Confessions of a Mistress (IV)

the anonymous texter is back. nag text siya sa mga managers namin at meron pang threat na i te text niyang next ang HR manager namin. to be honest, medyo naloka and naparanoid ako doon at nag consult ako sa friend ko kung ano bang nangyayari sa mga taong nakakasuhan ng adultery. sinabihan naman ako na dapat ang magfafile yung asawa mismo at kasama ang lalake if ever na mademanda ako. (if you have enough knowledge about this, please let me know if the information that i have is accurate). matatakot na sana ako eh kasi alam kong siguro isang concerned na friend talaga itong nag tetext sa akin. pero kanina lang nagtext uli sa akin, at binanggit niya ang name ng isa sa mga ex ko. naisip kong ibang level na to at pinepersonal na ako. mukhang office mate ko itong nag tetext sa akin. hindi talaga siya concern sa family ni trainer kundi meron siyang agenda na iba, yung ang hindi ko pa alam.

hay, sakit sa dibdib...

halo halo

my mother is already out of the hospital. i'm grateful to those who included her in their prayers. i am really happy that i have friends and relatives who are willing to help me in times of crisis.

thank you so much!!

may nahanap na akong apartment na okay somewhere in pasig. the pad is not really big, it's good enough for me but at least i can have my aquarium and i can accommodate visitors. affordable din yung place and secured pa. wala rin magiging problema sa transportation. lilipat na ako bukas, wala akong kasama pero dead ma. sobrang tight na rin ng budget ko kasi am still paying for my current place. ang hirap talaga pag narerent lang ng place. anyway, hindi ko alam kung saan ako makakahanap ng mga murang gamit sa bahay. basta deadma na lang. :)

trainer is so so seloso, grabe! OA na talaga. sobrang possessive pa niya. pati mga agents ko na tumatawag pag aabsent eh pinag iisipan ng masama... ano ba naman tong napasukan ko... mahirap ba talagang lumabas sa isang situation na pinapanindigan kong kaya ko? minsan tuloy, naiisip ko, chinachallenge ko lang sarili ko. tinitest ko kung hanggang saan ang kaya ng konsensya ko, kung tatagal ba ako. i think i need help na talaga. i have not spoken to anyone about this. i don't want to think that i am crazy. siguro papansin lang talaga ako. abnormal lang talaga ako. i swear, alam ko kung ano ang dapat kong gawin pero ayaw ko lang gawin yun. alam kong sobrang mali tong ginagawa ko at nakokonsenya naman ako ng sobra sobra. lagi ko naman siya pinapauwi sa anak niya pero minsan mas gusto pa niya akong kasama. weird din kasi yung si trainer. feeling ko nag kakasundo kami kasi sobrang confused kami sa gusto namin sa buhay.

bahala na...

fears of a mistress

i went on emergency leave on thursday. my step dad informed me that they rushed my mother to the hospital because she can not breathe. i immediately asked my boss for a leave, made sure that all things are properly endorsed to my POC. during the 6-hour trip to baguio, trainer had been talking to me, checking me if i'm fine. he had been very supportive and understanding. my cousins and aunts have been updating me with the things that they're doing to my mother.


i arrived at the hospital at around 8pm last thursday. i learned that there was water in her lungs which is why she had difficulty breathing and that the water should be drained. they attached a tube to her lungs, i'm not really sure how they do that, and they had to drain water every two hours. she was always in pain whenever water is being sucked from her lungs. they had to inject morphine and pain reliever and yet she can still feel the pain. it is so depressing seeing her like that because there is nothing i can do to ease the pain. i just came home today to rest. i will go back to the hospital tomorrow.


i would not like to think that this is what i get for being selfish. if i am being punished for what i am doing, i hope it would be me who feel the pain. i hope it would be me who would be in the hospital taking all the meds needed. i just hope that my mother will be better soon. again, i'm really really sorry for being selfish.

Confessions of a Mistress (II)

wala ako masyadong entry dahil...

busy sa trabaho. i'm working on getting a new position. i'm taking all the training that i can para mas mapadali naman. i am also doing tasks that are not really being done on my level. i like this because i know that it is also one way of preparing me for another position. wala akong problema sa work. happy naman.

i'm spending more time with trainer. i know maraming magagalit sakin dahil dito. hindi ko alam kung anong meron pero mukhang natutuwa na kami sa isa't isa. marami kaming similarities. pareho kami ng type na food, music pareho kaming tahimik lang at mahilig tumunganga at magisip. pareho din kami ng position matulog. di kami pareho makatulog kung may ilaw. nagbeach kaming dalawa lang and we stayed there for 4 days. marami kaming napag usapan. pamilya niya - anak niya and his wife, mama niya at mga kapatid niya. pamilya ko - mama ko at kuya ko at mga previous relationship ko na sablay.

sa totoo lang hanggang ngayon sobrang confused ako sa nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. sure ako na i like him but i'm not really sure if i love him. he told me that he loves me big time. sinabi ko sa kanya na pigilan niya dahil wala rin mangyayarin samin. he cried because of that statement. he told me that he does not want me to go. nagalit pa siya sakin dahil parang laro lang daw ito for me. lumambot puso ko dahil dun. ayoko talaga siyang mahalin dahil alam kong wala talagang mangyayari sa amin. pero diko alam kung mapipigilan ko to.

marami din akong nadiscover na ayaw ko sa kanya katulad ng sobrang dependent niya sa ibang tao. hindi niya kayang mag isa para gawin ang mga bagay bagay. he can't even make his resume. asawa niya gumawa ng resume niya and mga projects niya when he was still studying.

tinanong ko siya "anong gagawin mo kung wala na yung asawa mo, paano ka mabubuhay niyan?".

tumingin siya sa akin. sabi ko "paano kung wala na rin ako?"

"saan ka naman pupunta?"

hindi na lang ako sumagot.

medyo nagiging demanding din siya. gusto kong hawak ko lagi ang oras ko. nadidis orient ako kapag biglang may naiiba. nahihirapan akong mag adjust. gusto niya lagi ko siyang nakakasama. gusto niya lagi ko siyang ina update sa ginagawa ko. hindi ako sanay sa ganito.
maraming akong ayaw sa kanya, yet i like him. sobrang diko na talaga alam kung anong gagawin ko. madali lang hindi magpakita at tigilan na ito pero may part din sa akin na gustong ipagpatuloy ito.

sorry sa mga nasasaktan ko. sorry sa wife and baby of trainer. matatapos din to. its always my choice. i just hope that what ever my decision is, i won't get hurt...
selfish..

big trouble

I think I'm in big trouble. My friend already warned me against having a trainer because I might fall daw for him. She said its possible daw because malamang everyday kami magkasama and pag uusapan namin ang buhay buhay namin.

Mas close kami ng trainer ko ngayon kesa yung una. We talk about our principles in life habang nag cru crunches ako. We talk about our work habang ang ro rowing ako. While am doing all the exercises that he's asking me to do, we talk about things.

Kantyawan kami. I call him yabang dahil niyayabang niya sakin yung katawan niya and Slow naman tawag niya sakin kasi hirap ako sa mga ibang exercise (haller naman kasi). Lagi kaming mag ka text kasi he would be checking on my diet. Bothered lang ako ngayon kasi parang medyo nagiging intimate yung mga text niya sakin. Merong pa "i miss you" pa siya or meron pang mga emoticon with kisses and all that. hindi ko alam kung paranoid lang ako or kung feeling maganda lang ako or kung meron talaga siyang sinasabi. AYOKO! dahil me asawa at anak siya. AYOKO na pumasok sa something na di ko mapapanindigan. AYOKO rin naman mag palit ng trainer dahil comfy na ako sa kanya and he knows my secrets na pati mga scars ko.

I don't want to fall for him and I hope I won't. hay para nanaman akong kumukuha ng bato na pukpok ko sa ulo ko.

updates

Pasulpot sulpot na lang ako sa blog ko... goodluck naman...

ano bang bago?

wala lang, dito pa rin ako sa work ko. tinatapos ko rin mga required training para naman umangat. haggard dito sa work pero swerte pa rin kami dahil kahit na crisis may pumapasok pa rin na business sa account namin. it's going to be additional task for me but i don't really mind.
bago na yung trainer ko dahil nagresign yung dati. mabait naman tong baging trainer ko at matyaga naman kahit mapanlait. nag lose naman ako ng weight at nabawasan pa yung fat % ko.

wala na akong communication kay mr. banker. di na talaga kami nag uusap ang happy naman ako. lagi nila akong tinatanong kung bakit lagi akong mag isa. sagot ko, masaya akong mag isa. nagagawa ko yung mga gusto kong gawin. it's true sometimes it could be depressing but i always get over it. hindi lang isang lalake ang magiging reason ko to be happy. happy ako dahil ok mama ko. happy ako dahil maraming blessings akong nakukuha. happy ako dahil kahit sobrang pasaway ako i am still healthy and alive.i've stopped my communication with ralf as well. after what happened, wala na akong trust sa kanya. anyway, ganun talaga yun...

hindi nakapasa si mrs. nlj and nlj sa bar exams. naawa ako kay mrs. nlj dahil gustong gusto na niyang magkawork. sabi niya, nag tatampo daw siya kay lord because she studied hard and she prayed naman daw and yet she did not make it. matagal siyang di nagtext sakin and i understand that... kung gusto niya munang mag-isa and mag isip then okay lang. i just hope that she can decide on what she would do next.

wala na kong ibang update. sobrang boring pero busy rin ako lately...

Hu da Hell is Anthony Broas?!

I dreamed of someone named Anthony Broas. Weird because I have not met anyone with that name. I even googled it to check if he is someone famous that everyone should know him.
Anthony Broas, on my dream is my new boyfriend. Pathetic isn’t it? I don’t know why am dreaming of things like this. I don’t want to think that I am desperate to have someone new in my life. I am happy with my status right now. I am enjoying time alone. This is when I get to plan my life with out considering someone who will not be with me forever. Being single is when I mingle with other people with out someone getting jealous.
It could get lonely but at the end of the day, I am still satisfied and happy...






Or




Maybe not...

good morning!!

I just woke up but I feel like blogging. I had a terrible dream. Guess what? It’s about Mr. Banker and his so called girl friend and my best friend and I.

We argued last night (thank goodness on the phone) because of the stupidity that he did during the birthday party of mr. and mrs. nlj’s son. I told him I’m going to pull out my account at their bank so that there would be reason for us to talk. He told me that he needs it for his promotion. I don’t understand how that could affect his promotion but it has something to do with his assessment (whatever). Hindi lang naman yung yung account na hawak niya. Anyway, I said I’ll pull it out after his promotion. Sinabihan niya ako na dapat yung bank relationship namin di nasasama sa personal na relationship namin. Sabi ko naman, I have to do it for us. I will stop my communication with him and our friends to avoid complication. Sabi niya, it’s not going to be fair for our friends and for him. Sinabihan pa niya ako na ang sama daw ng ugali ko kung ganun. I don’t know why he cannot understand what I’m feeling every time he does something stupid. He even told me that I am his best friend (yeah, right!) more than nlj and our brods kasi alam ko kung anong nangayayari sa buhay niya. Sabi ko naman, best friends don’t hurt each other. Best friends care for each other, so if I am his best friend, why does he keep on hurting me. He does not even care for me. Sabi niya, he cares naman daw (whatever, my ass). Complicated lang talaga kasi yung situation namin. Sabi ko its not the situation eh, it’s him who’s making things complicated. Sabi ko sa kanya, wag lang siyang gagawa ng katangahan kapag nasa iisang lugar kami dahil ako ang na aagrabyado. Hindi naman siya. Sabi niya sige raw. Noted daw. I felt better din naman after talking to him, in fairness. We talked about our careers after that. Buhay niya sa bank, buhay ko sa callcenter.

Lagi kaming ganun ni mr. banker. Lagi kaming nag aaway kapag katangahan and kaselfishan niya ang pina pa iral niya. Pero in terms naman of other things nagkakasundo kami. Weird lang talaga na napanaginipan ko siya. Haha kasama pa sa picture yung best friend ko.
Mahaba ang kwento namin ni Mr. Banker. Unang kilala pa lang naming complicated na. Nung naging kami mas lalong naging complicated. Di ko rin alam kung bakit meron naman kaming nakakarelasyon , may kanya kanya kaming buhay pero at some point our lines always cross. Even if I try hard not to see him or to keep our relationship impersonal it always leads to our personal relationship which should have been dead long time ago…

**photo taken from the net**