Thursday, August 6, 2009
hay, sakit sa dibdib...
Saturday, July 18, 2009
hindi na rin namin napag usapan ni trainer ang tungkol dun. habang kumakain kami kahapon, tumawag ang isa sa mga best friends niya. hindi ko ugaling makinig sa usapan ng iba, pero natigilan talaga ako nung narinig ko yung word na "kabit" from trainer's friend. napatingin lang sa akin si trainer. naging interesado ako sa usapan nila. nalaman ko na galit pala sa akin ang girl friend ng bestfriend niya. i also learned na pinagbabawalan siyang makipag meet kay trainer because of me. i assumed na yung girlfriend ni best friend ang nag tetext sakin 6 weeks ago.
wala akong balak balikan siya dahil may mga totoo naman sa mga tinext niya sakin. ang ayoko lang, yung dinadamay nila yung situation ng nanay ko. hindi alam ng nanay ko ang ginagawa ko and am sure siya pa ang mauunang magagalit sakin pag nalaman niya to.
i just hope that my family would not learn about this. di ko alam kung hanggang kelan ko ito pwedeng i keep sa kanila...
Saturday, July 4, 2009
thank you so much!!
may nahanap na akong apartment na okay somewhere in pasig. the pad is not really big, it's good enough for me but at least i can have my aquarium and i can accommodate visitors. affordable din yung place and secured pa. wala rin magiging problema sa transportation. lilipat na ako bukas, wala akong kasama pero dead ma. sobrang tight na rin ng budget ko kasi am still paying for my current place. ang hirap talaga pag narerent lang ng place. anyway, hindi ko alam kung saan ako makakahanap ng mga murang gamit sa bahay. basta deadma na lang. :)
trainer is so so seloso, grabe! OA na talaga. sobrang possessive pa niya. pati mga agents ko na tumatawag pag aabsent eh pinag iisipan ng masama... ano ba naman tong napasukan ko... mahirap ba talagang lumabas sa isang situation na pinapanindigan kong kaya ko? minsan tuloy, naiisip ko, chinachallenge ko lang sarili ko. tinitest ko kung hanggang saan ang kaya ng konsensya ko, kung tatagal ba ako. i think i need help na talaga. i have not spoken to anyone about this. i don't want to think that i am crazy. siguro papansin lang talaga ako. abnormal lang talaga ako. i swear, alam ko kung ano ang dapat kong gawin pero ayaw ko lang gawin yun. alam kong sobrang mali tong ginagawa ko at nakokonsenya naman ako ng sobra sobra. lagi ko naman siya pinapauwi sa anak niya pero minsan mas gusto pa niya akong kasama. weird din kasi yung si trainer. feeling ko nag kakasundo kami kasi sobrang confused kami sa gusto namin sa buhay.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
i arrived at the hospital at around 8pm last thursday. i learned that there was water in her lungs which is why she had difficulty breathing and that the water should be drained. they attached a tube to her lungs, i'm not really sure how they do that, and they had to drain water every two hours. she was always in pain whenever water is being sucked from her lungs. they had to inject morphine and pain reliever and yet she can still feel the pain. it is so depressing seeing her like that because there is nothing i can do to ease the pain. i just came home today to rest. i will go back to the hospital tomorrow.
i would not like to think that this is what i get for being selfish. if i am being punished for what i am doing, i hope it would be me who feel the pain. i hope it would be me who would be in the hospital taking all the meds needed. i just hope that my mother will be better soon. again, i'm really really sorry for being selfish.
Friday, June 5, 2009
wala ako masyadong entry dahil...
busy sa trabaho. i'm working on getting a new position. i'm taking all the training that i can para mas mapadali naman. i am also doing tasks that are not really being done on my level. i like this because i know that it is also one way of preparing me for another position. wala akong problema sa work. happy naman.
i'm spending more time with trainer. i know maraming magagalit sakin dahil dito. hindi ko alam kung anong meron pero mukhang natutuwa na kami sa isa't isa. marami kaming similarities. pareho kami ng type na food, music pareho kaming tahimik lang at mahilig tumunganga at magisip. pareho din kami ng position matulog. di kami pareho makatulog kung may ilaw. nagbeach kaming dalawa lang and we stayed there for 4 days. marami kaming napag usapan. pamilya niya - anak niya and his wife, mama niya at mga kapatid niya. pamilya ko - mama ko at kuya ko at mga previous relationship ko na sablay.
sa totoo lang hanggang ngayon sobrang confused ako sa nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. sure ako na i like him but i'm not really sure if i love him. he told me that he loves me big time. sinabi ko sa kanya na pigilan niya dahil wala rin mangyayarin samin. he cried because of that statement. he told me that he does not want me to go. nagalit pa siya sakin dahil parang laro lang daw ito for me. lumambot puso ko dahil dun. ayoko talaga siyang mahalin dahil alam kong wala talagang mangyayari sa amin. pero diko alam kung mapipigilan ko to.
marami din akong nadiscover na ayaw ko sa kanya katulad ng sobrang dependent niya sa ibang tao. hindi niya kayang mag isa para gawin ang mga bagay bagay. he can't even make his resume. asawa niya gumawa ng resume niya and mga projects niya when he was still studying.
tinanong ko siya "anong gagawin mo kung wala na yung asawa mo, paano ka mabubuhay niyan?".
tumingin siya sa akin. sabi ko "paano kung wala na rin ako?"
"saan ka naman pupunta?"
hindi na lang ako sumagot.
medyo nagiging demanding din siya. gusto kong hawak ko lagi ang oras ko. nadidis orient ako kapag biglang may naiiba. nahihirapan akong mag adjust. gusto niya lagi ko siyang nakakasama. gusto niya lagi ko siyang ina update sa ginagawa ko. hindi ako sanay sa ganito.
maraming akong ayaw sa kanya, yet i like him. sobrang diko na talaga alam kung anong gagawin ko. madali lang hindi magpakita at tigilan na ito pero may part din sa akin na gustong ipagpatuloy ito.
sorry sa mga nasasaktan ko. sorry sa wife and baby of trainer. matatapos din to. its always my choice. i just hope that what ever my decision is, i won't get hurt...
Sunday, May 24, 2009
My trainer is 28 years old and has been married for 7 years. They have been together since high school and they got married when his wife got pregnant at 21. They have one baby girl and she is cute and smart. Her dad is really proud or her. The wife is a busy person who doesn't spend much time at home. She is working in an Accounting firm somewhere in Pasig (don't want to know where) and according to my trainer, they don't really spend much time together. I can actually see that since I already know my trainer's schedule and its as busy as hell. The thing is, even if he is super busy and we have different schedules, he is always making time for me. I'm home for some family gathering and he knows that Mr. Banker was there. He wanted me to go back to Manila as soon as possible. When I was on the family affair, he had been calling me and checking on me which is something that I'm not used to because I always do what I want to do. He even wanted me to go home early and not spend more time with my friends because of Mr. Banker. He admitted that he is super "nagseselos" and "natatakot" that Mr. Banker and I will be together again (which is very impossible)
Mr. Banker commented on how I look and they all noticed that I lost a lot of weight. As usual, Mr. Banker wanted me to go home with him (such a jerk). I went home alone and my trainer was happy to know that. I did not tell him of course about Mr Banker's comment.
I know that if I pursue this so called relationship with my trainer, it's gonna end up sooner if not later. I am enjoying his company. I consider myself a mistress and I am not proud of it. Let's just wait and see if something will come up. I haven't told my friends about this because I am sure they will all kill me. I am going against my principles and ideals now but what the heck! I am happy and yet I am free... I know I am very selfish but we already had an agreement that he should never leave his family for me no matter what happens. I told him to always spend time with his daughter specially that the mother is super busy.
I hope I am doing the right thing, I hope I won't fall in love with him...
Friday, May 8, 2009
Mas close kami ng trainer ko ngayon kesa yung una. We talk about our principles in life habang nag cru crunches ako. We talk about our work habang ang ro rowing ako. While am doing all the exercises that he's asking me to do, we talk about things.
Kantyawan kami. I call him yabang dahil niyayabang niya sakin yung katawan niya and Slow naman tawag niya sakin kasi hirap ako sa mga ibang exercise (haller naman kasi). Lagi kaming mag ka text kasi he would be checking on my diet. Bothered lang ako ngayon kasi parang medyo nagiging intimate yung mga text niya sakin. Merong pa "i miss you" pa siya or meron pang mga emoticon with kisses and all that. hindi ko alam kung paranoid lang ako or kung feeling maganda lang ako or kung meron talaga siyang sinasabi. AYOKO! dahil me asawa at anak siya. AYOKO na pumasok sa something na di ko mapapanindigan. AYOKO rin naman mag palit ng trainer dahil comfy na ako sa kanya and he knows my secrets na pati mga scars ko.
I don't want to fall for him and I hope I won't. hay para nanaman akong kumukuha ng bato na pukpok ko sa ulo ko.