Thursday, August 6, 2009
hay, sakit sa dibdib...
Saturday, July 18, 2009
hindi na rin namin napag usapan ni trainer ang tungkol dun. habang kumakain kami kahapon, tumawag ang isa sa mga best friends niya. hindi ko ugaling makinig sa usapan ng iba, pero natigilan talaga ako nung narinig ko yung word na "kabit" from trainer's friend. napatingin lang sa akin si trainer. naging interesado ako sa usapan nila. nalaman ko na galit pala sa akin ang girl friend ng bestfriend niya. i also learned na pinagbabawalan siyang makipag meet kay trainer because of me. i assumed na yung girlfriend ni best friend ang nag tetext sakin 6 weeks ago.
wala akong balak balikan siya dahil may mga totoo naman sa mga tinext niya sakin. ang ayoko lang, yung dinadamay nila yung situation ng nanay ko. hindi alam ng nanay ko ang ginagawa ko and am sure siya pa ang mauunang magagalit sakin pag nalaman niya to.
i just hope that my family would not learn about this. di ko alam kung hanggang kelan ko ito pwedeng i keep sa kanila...
Saturday, July 4, 2009
thank you so much!!
may nahanap na akong apartment na okay somewhere in pasig. the pad is not really big, it's good enough for me but at least i can have my aquarium and i can accommodate visitors. affordable din yung place and secured pa. wala rin magiging problema sa transportation. lilipat na ako bukas, wala akong kasama pero dead ma. sobrang tight na rin ng budget ko kasi am still paying for my current place. ang hirap talaga pag narerent lang ng place. anyway, hindi ko alam kung saan ako makakahanap ng mga murang gamit sa bahay. basta deadma na lang. :)
trainer is so so seloso, grabe! OA na talaga. sobrang possessive pa niya. pati mga agents ko na tumatawag pag aabsent eh pinag iisipan ng masama... ano ba naman tong napasukan ko... mahirap ba talagang lumabas sa isang situation na pinapanindigan kong kaya ko? minsan tuloy, naiisip ko, chinachallenge ko lang sarili ko. tinitest ko kung hanggang saan ang kaya ng konsensya ko, kung tatagal ba ako. i think i need help na talaga. i have not spoken to anyone about this. i don't want to think that i am crazy. siguro papansin lang talaga ako. abnormal lang talaga ako. i swear, alam ko kung ano ang dapat kong gawin pero ayaw ko lang gawin yun. alam kong sobrang mali tong ginagawa ko at nakokonsenya naman ako ng sobra sobra. lagi ko naman siya pinapauwi sa anak niya pero minsan mas gusto pa niya akong kasama. weird din kasi yung si trainer. feeling ko nag kakasundo kami kasi sobrang confused kami sa gusto namin sa buhay.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
i arrived at the hospital at around 8pm last thursday. i learned that there was water in her lungs which is why she had difficulty breathing and that the water should be drained. they attached a tube to her lungs, i'm not really sure how they do that, and they had to drain water every two hours. she was always in pain whenever water is being sucked from her lungs. they had to inject morphine and pain reliever and yet she can still feel the pain. it is so depressing seeing her like that because there is nothing i can do to ease the pain. i just came home today to rest. i will go back to the hospital tomorrow.
i would not like to think that this is what i get for being selfish. if i am being punished for what i am doing, i hope it would be me who feel the pain. i hope it would be me who would be in the hospital taking all the meds needed. i just hope that my mother will be better soon. again, i'm really really sorry for being selfish.
Friday, June 5, 2009
wala ako masyadong entry dahil...
busy sa trabaho. i'm working on getting a new position. i'm taking all the training that i can para mas mapadali naman. i am also doing tasks that are not really being done on my level. i like this because i know that it is also one way of preparing me for another position. wala akong problema sa work. happy naman.
i'm spending more time with trainer. i know maraming magagalit sakin dahil dito. hindi ko alam kung anong meron pero mukhang natutuwa na kami sa isa't isa. marami kaming similarities. pareho kami ng type na food, music pareho kaming tahimik lang at mahilig tumunganga at magisip. pareho din kami ng position matulog. di kami pareho makatulog kung may ilaw. nagbeach kaming dalawa lang and we stayed there for 4 days. marami kaming napag usapan. pamilya niya - anak niya and his wife, mama niya at mga kapatid niya. pamilya ko - mama ko at kuya ko at mga previous relationship ko na sablay.
sa totoo lang hanggang ngayon sobrang confused ako sa nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. sure ako na i like him but i'm not really sure if i love him. he told me that he loves me big time. sinabi ko sa kanya na pigilan niya dahil wala rin mangyayarin samin. he cried because of that statement. he told me that he does not want me to go. nagalit pa siya sakin dahil parang laro lang daw ito for me. lumambot puso ko dahil dun. ayoko talaga siyang mahalin dahil alam kong wala talagang mangyayari sa amin. pero diko alam kung mapipigilan ko to.
marami din akong nadiscover na ayaw ko sa kanya katulad ng sobrang dependent niya sa ibang tao. hindi niya kayang mag isa para gawin ang mga bagay bagay. he can't even make his resume. asawa niya gumawa ng resume niya and mga projects niya when he was still studying.
tinanong ko siya "anong gagawin mo kung wala na yung asawa mo, paano ka mabubuhay niyan?".
tumingin siya sa akin. sabi ko "paano kung wala na rin ako?"
"saan ka naman pupunta?"
hindi na lang ako sumagot.
medyo nagiging demanding din siya. gusto kong hawak ko lagi ang oras ko. nadidis orient ako kapag biglang may naiiba. nahihirapan akong mag adjust. gusto niya lagi ko siyang nakakasama. gusto niya lagi ko siyang ina update sa ginagawa ko. hindi ako sanay sa ganito.
maraming akong ayaw sa kanya, yet i like him. sobrang diko na talaga alam kung anong gagawin ko. madali lang hindi magpakita at tigilan na ito pero may part din sa akin na gustong ipagpatuloy ito.
sorry sa mga nasasaktan ko. sorry sa wife and baby of trainer. matatapos din to. its always my choice. i just hope that what ever my decision is, i won't get hurt...
Sunday, May 24, 2009
My trainer is 28 years old and has been married for 7 years. They have been together since high school and they got married when his wife got pregnant at 21. They have one baby girl and she is cute and smart. Her dad is really proud or her. The wife is a busy person who doesn't spend much time at home. She is working in an Accounting firm somewhere in Pasig (don't want to know where) and according to my trainer, they don't really spend much time together. I can actually see that since I already know my trainer's schedule and its as busy as hell. The thing is, even if he is super busy and we have different schedules, he is always making time for me. I'm home for some family gathering and he knows that Mr. Banker was there. He wanted me to go back to Manila as soon as possible. When I was on the family affair, he had been calling me and checking on me which is something that I'm not used to because I always do what I want to do. He even wanted me to go home early and not spend more time with my friends because of Mr. Banker. He admitted that he is super "nagseselos" and "natatakot" that Mr. Banker and I will be together again (which is very impossible)
Mr. Banker commented on how I look and they all noticed that I lost a lot of weight. As usual, Mr. Banker wanted me to go home with him (such a jerk). I went home alone and my trainer was happy to know that. I did not tell him of course about Mr Banker's comment.
I know that if I pursue this so called relationship with my trainer, it's gonna end up sooner if not later. I am enjoying his company. I consider myself a mistress and I am not proud of it. Let's just wait and see if something will come up. I haven't told my friends about this because I am sure they will all kill me. I am going against my principles and ideals now but what the heck! I am happy and yet I am free... I know I am very selfish but we already had an agreement that he should never leave his family for me no matter what happens. I told him to always spend time with his daughter specially that the mother is super busy.
I hope I am doing the right thing, I hope I won't fall in love with him...
Friday, May 8, 2009
Mas close kami ng trainer ko ngayon kesa yung una. We talk about our principles in life habang nag cru crunches ako. We talk about our work habang ang ro rowing ako. While am doing all the exercises that he's asking me to do, we talk about things.
Kantyawan kami. I call him yabang dahil niyayabang niya sakin yung katawan niya and Slow naman tawag niya sakin kasi hirap ako sa mga ibang exercise (haller naman kasi). Lagi kaming mag ka text kasi he would be checking on my diet. Bothered lang ako ngayon kasi parang medyo nagiging intimate yung mga text niya sakin. Merong pa "i miss you" pa siya or meron pang mga emoticon with kisses and all that. hindi ko alam kung paranoid lang ako or kung feeling maganda lang ako or kung meron talaga siyang sinasabi. AYOKO! dahil me asawa at anak siya. AYOKO na pumasok sa something na di ko mapapanindigan. AYOKO rin naman mag palit ng trainer dahil comfy na ako sa kanya and he knows my secrets na pati mga scars ko.
I don't want to fall for him and I hope I won't. hay para nanaman akong kumukuha ng bato na pukpok ko sa ulo ko.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
i finished my training last week and my presentation really f****ed up. i cannot figure out the financial impact of my so-called project. you see, in the account that i'm handling, we don't get incentives or penalty if we meet/exceed the client requirements or not. my team has met (actually exceeded) the clients goals and we have been consistent in doing so. i had to prepare a project that would enhance our performance and that would target a specific group in my team. the panelist wanted me to show the financial impact of that project and as much as i want to, there is NO money in my project at all. i indicated that by getting obtaining the client's trust and confidence, we may have additional business with them in the future which would generate income. i had to redo it and i am just waiting for the schedule of my presentation with our director (yikes, scary).
maybe this is the reason why i haven’t been sleeping well. i'm not sure why but there's a lot of things in my mind. i have over spent last month and the month before so i am really tight with my budget. i'm trying to save as much as i can. i also gained weight that is why my trainer is furious. he wants me to go on diet and i already did. i've cut down on carbs and red meat. i only eat white meat and veggies but he cannot ask me to not eat anything because I’m going to die for sure. Haha
i haven’t seen and heard anything from the banker. he has not updated me on my account yet and i hope he does because i’m getting paranoid haha. Anyway, I’m going to the gym later and burn all the fats that I have. :(
Friday, April 10, 2009
ano bang bago?
wala lang, dito pa rin ako sa work ko. tinatapos ko rin mga required training para naman umangat. haggard dito sa work pero swerte pa rin kami dahil kahit na crisis may pumapasok pa rin na business sa account namin. it's going to be additional task for me but i don't really mind.
bago na yung trainer ko dahil nagresign yung dati. mabait naman tong baging trainer ko at matyaga naman kahit mapanlait. nag lose naman ako ng weight at nabawasan pa yung fat % ko.
wala na akong communication kay mr. banker. di na talaga kami nag uusap ang happy naman ako. lagi nila akong tinatanong kung bakit lagi akong mag isa. sagot ko, masaya akong mag isa. nagagawa ko yung mga gusto kong gawin. it's true sometimes it could be depressing but i always get over it. hindi lang isang lalake ang magiging reason ko to be happy. happy ako dahil ok mama ko. happy ako dahil maraming blessings akong nakukuha. happy ako dahil kahit sobrang pasaway ako i am still healthy and alive.i've stopped my communication with ralf as well. after what happened, wala na akong trust sa kanya. anyway, ganun talaga yun...
hindi nakapasa si mrs. nlj and nlj sa bar exams. naawa ako kay mrs. nlj dahil gustong gusto na niyang magkawork. sabi niya, nag tatampo daw siya kay lord because she studied hard and she prayed naman daw and yet she did not make it. matagal siyang di nagtext sakin and i understand that... kung gusto niya munang mag-isa and mag isip then okay lang. i just hope that she can decide on what she would do next.
wala na kong ibang update. sobrang boring pero busy rin ako lately...
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
bumalik kaming naga at tumambay konti si CWC. di ako naka pag wakeboard kasi me competition pala and its not open sa public. kumusta naman. nadisappoint ako pero nag enjoy pa rin naman ako sa massage at nagbabad na lang ako sa pool.
nung bumalik ako ng manila. bad trip dahil kinuha nila lotion ko. bawal daw sa hand carry, diko lam kung bakit... masaya lahat , nag enjoy naman ako. ang nakakainis lang na part, hindi inamin sakin ni ralf na kinasal na pala siya nung january. never niyang sinabi sakin dahil baka daw di ako pumuntang camsur. all the while, pagkatapos kong magwhine at maglabas ng sama ng loob sa kanya dahil sa mga nangyari sakin malalaman kong ganun pala.
syet! kabit ako! para rin akong yung mga kinakainisan kong girls...
kinain ko lahat ng sinabi ko :(
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Anthony Broas, on my dream is my new boyfriend. Pathetic isn’t it? I don’t know why am dreaming of things like this. I don’t want to think that I am desperate to have someone new in my life. I am happy with my status right now. I am enjoying time alone. This is when I get to plan my life with out considering someone who will not be with me forever. Being single is when I mingle with other people with out someone getting jealous.
It could get lonely but at the end of the day, I am still satisfied and happy...
Monday, February 23, 2009
yun lang ang gym update ko.
next time uli.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I'm so thankful for the support of my family and friends.
The Banker has been pestering me but I'm still cool. :)
Sunday, February 1, 2009
We argued last night (thank goodness on the phone) because of the stupidity that he did during the birthday party of mr. and mrs. nlj’s son. I told him I’m going to pull out my account at their bank so that there would be reason for us to talk. He told me that he needs it for his promotion. I don’t understand how that could affect his promotion but it has something to do with his assessment (whatever). Hindi lang naman yung yung account na hawak niya. Anyway, I said I’ll pull it out after his promotion. Sinabihan niya ako na dapat yung bank relationship namin di nasasama sa personal na relationship namin. Sabi ko naman, I have to do it for us. I will stop my communication with him and our friends to avoid complication. Sabi niya, it’s not going to be fair for our friends and for him. Sinabihan pa niya ako na ang sama daw ng ugali ko kung ganun. I don’t know why he cannot understand what I’m feeling every time he does something stupid. He even told me that I am his best friend (yeah, right!) more than nlj and our brods kasi alam ko kung anong nangayayari sa buhay niya. Sabi ko naman, best friends don’t hurt each other. Best friends care for each other, so if I am his best friend, why does he keep on hurting me. He does not even care for me. Sabi niya, he cares naman daw (whatever, my ass). Complicated lang talaga kasi yung situation namin. Sabi ko its not the situation eh, it’s him who’s making things complicated. Sabi ko sa kanya, wag lang siyang gagawa ng katangahan kapag nasa iisang lugar kami dahil ako ang na aagrabyado. Hindi naman siya. Sabi niya sige raw. Noted daw. I felt better din naman after talking to him, in fairness. We talked about our careers after that. Buhay niya sa bank, buhay ko sa callcenter.
Lagi kaming ganun ni mr. banker. Lagi kaming nag aaway kapag katangahan and kaselfishan niya ang pina pa iral niya. Pero in terms naman of other things nagkakasundo kami. Weird lang talaga na napanaginipan ko siya. Haha kasama pa sa picture yung best friend ko.
Mahaba ang kwento namin ni Mr. Banker. Unang kilala pa lang naming complicated na. Nung naging kami mas lalong naging complicated. Di ko rin alam kung bakit meron naman kaming nakakarelasyon , may kanya kanya kaming buhay pero at some point our lines always cross. Even if I try hard not to see him or to keep our relationship impersonal it always leads to our personal relationship which should have been dead long time ago…
di ako nagsmoke kahit na nag smoke pa ang aking bestfriend. talagang i was never tempted kahit na puff lang. am really happy na that i can now control my cravings. hehe. even with food, i can already control the amount of rice that i take. dati lamon talaga kung feel ang food tapos ang bad pa, i vomit kapag sobrang busog. its not induced naman. ganun lang talaga ako.
nag thanks giving dinner kami sa bahay ng pinsan ko rin dahil safe sila kahit merong lasing na taong naka disgrasya sa kanila. laki ng gasgas ng sasakyan nila pero mas malaki yung damage nung sa kabila dahil dumiresto pa siya sa may creek beside the road. thank God, safe din naman yung driver even if he was drunk.
bukas dito sa bahay naman dinner namin dahil dumating na rin uli kuya ko. buntis din sister in law ko and hopefully baby boy naman. buntis din pala yung isang pinsan ko pero tinakbuhan nung naka buntis. i have always wanted a baby boy, sabi ko sa mama ko, adopt ko yung bata kung baby boy. pero sabi nila baby girl daw so i think it would be my mother who will adopt the child. diko lang alam kung pano yung set up nun.
ayun lang. am happy with what is going on with my life. i hope it would be this way forever. :)
Thursday, January 29, 2009
well, tama na muna ang drama. kelangan na uli mag exercise. sabi ng trainer ko, dapat 1 pound per week and mabawas sakin. sana lang ma achieve ko yun. hehe.
yun lang po. ciao! :)
Monday, January 19, 2009
anyway, isa lang naman ang new year's resolution ko hehe. ang mamuhay ng healthy ngayong year and moving forward. at dahil dito, tumigil na akong mag smoke, mula nung January 2 and mag gi gym na ako. dahil natatakot akong tamarin ako, kumuha ako ng personal trainer ahaha. magastos kung magastos pero ok na to kesa naman i spend my money on cigs and alcohol. isa pa, summer nanaman. pano na ang two piece kung me sobra sobrang fat. hehe dapat kahit mejo malaman sexy pa rin or toned dapat.
wala ako masyadong social life ngayon dahil nga busy sa work. i swear! oa talaga ang pagka toxic ko pero di naman ako stressed pa. i just hope na ganito ang feeling ko forever.
happiness. yehey. la lang.
Friday, January 2, 2009
christmas party ng account naming and ng company was fun. after nun, nag resign yung big boss namin so ang daming changes. palit kami ng big boss, intro introduction. setting expectations. mga ganung bagay.
after two weeks nalaman namin na dapat kaming magbawas ng tao sa LOB namin dahil sa budget na rin ng client namin. promise. big time na software company ang hawak namin kaya i didnt expect na mangyayari din to samin pero crisis nga kaya ganun. i was given the task to talk to those who will be transferred to a different LOB. good thing because they will not be really be fired but they would only be transferred. the thing is nung week ng christmas ko sila kina kausap and it was really so stressful kasi meron talagang iba ng hindi open sa changes. may nag co complain na kesyo bakit daw sila ang malilipat at hindi yung iba. meron namang nag mamatigas na mag reresign daw kung malilipat sila. it was explained before hand that the basis for those who will be transferred would be attitude and performance. lagi naman ganun eh. lumabas ang totoong ugali ng mga tao nung time na yun. naiintindihan ko naman kasi nga major change ang mangyayari. they will be reporting to another boss and they will have to adjust to other people again. they will have different kind of support. pero that's really part of life. change.
naloka lang talaga ako, sobrang nakaka drain yung time na yun. feeling ko i was always tired kahit na complete ang tulog ko. sa tagal ko sa company na to at sa dami ng changes na nangyari habang nandito ako, ngayon ko lang na experience yung ganung feeling. ang nakakainis pa yung isang kasama kong sup na malilipat din, may sama pala ng loob sakin dahil siya ang malilipat. never niyang ni raise yun everytime na me meeting kami with our bosses. nalalaman ko na lang sa mga nag susumbong sakin na meron siyang mga sinasabi na kakaiba. pero di bale, ayokong mag new year na masama ang loob sa ibang tao dahil baka buong taon na ganun ang feeling ko. wala siyang magagawa pati dahil performance based nga ang nangyari. i know lang na medyo mahihirapan ako dahil mag isa ko na lang maghahawak nung sa LOB namin at lahat ng task sakin mapupunta plus dadami ang hahawakan kong tao dahil malilipat sakin yung mga naiwan sa team niya dati. i know i can do it promise.
buti na lang makakapag bakasyon pa ko. i enjoyed naman yung celebration namin. hindi siya bonggang bongga pero masaya talaga kung kasama ang pamilya sa okasyon na mga ganito. on sunday naman. i will have lunch with my father's family. haha. weird. anyway, ang dami kong gustong isulat pero diko alam kung pano ko gagawi yun. gusto kong mag labas ng lahat nang nafifeel ko ngayon pero diko rin madescribe. blogging is really my outlet. may mga nasusulat ako dito na kahit best friends ko eh hindi alam.
hangang sa muli, i know this entry does not really make sense. its not even organized but that's just me.
happy new year everyone. let's all be happy this year.